I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
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Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.