I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
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They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you