I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
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[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over