I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
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After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
