I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
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me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
How do you milk an almond?
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “keith@fbi.gov”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee