I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
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I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake