I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
You Might Also Like
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.