Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?

Vampire: I don’t.

Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-

Vampire: also no.

cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or

Who else does this 🤦🏽😂

Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.

It’s kids. I have kids.

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

Her: you look great

My brain: say thank you

Anxiety: why does she hate me

Me: I have peanut butter in my hair

Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.

Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”

Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.

*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*

“Make a wish,” I say.

*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

[cats at shelter]

Where’s Frank?

“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.

6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?

Me: I did not know that.

6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.

My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.

If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.

Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo