I鈥檓 sorry, but nothing is topping this 馃槶
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I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
ME: Hold on, let鈥檚 stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia鈥檚 closed.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we鈥檇 pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 馃樄
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…