I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
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“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
My current wife says she doesn’t like my use of adjectives
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
seems like a niche market
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.