I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
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Happy thanksgiving
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this