I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
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Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
omg leave her alone
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]