I鈥檓 sorry, but nothing is topping this 馃槶
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Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
When you’ve simply given up.
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Me: Same
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they鈥檙e not fruit either, they鈥檙e children!
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? 鈥楥ause your husband鈥檚 out here acting like you don鈥檛 exist.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
cats when you pet them too long:
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren鈥檛 limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I鈥檓 a pretty lady.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Ate a healthy dinner, so I鈥檓 having pringles for dessert.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
me: you think i鈥檓 too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we鈥檙e starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture