Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping

Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s

Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel

Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.

People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.

Don’t be a poser bro

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…

Cut off from the world.

Stephen King & Pixar present:

“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”