I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
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[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
👍
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
i love modern commerce
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.