I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
You Might Also Like
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
🤷♀️
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.