I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
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Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
😾
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
True
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.