Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot

I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?

I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.

No one girl should have all that power. 😂

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites

ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break

DOCTOR: Your hip

ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break

Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.

No, I would NEVER put you on mute

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

[First day as a Waiter]

Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.

Me: Probably what killed it.

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.