I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
You Might Also Like
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever