Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
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Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
shit just got real
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.