Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
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My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
