Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
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Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?