Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.

Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..

“Him?”

No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants

they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.

Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”

So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.

I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.

I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.

My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao

When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.