Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”

Me, trying to settle down in bed.

My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.

Anyone know an exorcist?

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

HER: congratulations on having twins

ME: triplets

HER: but there’s only two of them

ME: shit

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling

ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.

COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.