Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

“you recording!?”

Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets

insomnia: me either

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”

My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]

Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.

Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.

[34 mins. later]

Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*

Doctor: every time.

Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half

Me: I’ll do it

Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily

Me: *crying* He’s good

Wife: What

As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?