Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.

I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.

Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.

Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot

ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

had to make it

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry