Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.

Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.

ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

me: [pooping in a basket]

hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes

what my dog hears: goodbye forever

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house

Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.

-me, flirting

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart

My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here

Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

Brilliant!

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M

I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…