Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

[band rehearsal]

Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?

Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.

When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.

It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas

Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

[At the register]

“Find everything ok?”

“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

[first day as an undercover cop]

mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan

me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE