Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke

Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

Interviewer: Do you show up on time?

Me *born three months premature*: No.

Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch

Guy at urinal next to me:

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top

It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.

My wife said I need to grow up.

I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:

* Hot buttery death!

* HR will hear about this!

* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!

* Brenda!

* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!

Proof that kids sometimes listen…

5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?

Me: I’m dressed

5: Those look like pajamas

Me:

5: Did you brush your teeth?

Me: Yes

5: Let me smell