I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
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Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Krampus.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again