Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.

Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.

In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.

the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.

10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

Word.

~ Microsoft.

I like it thick and deep

Pizza

Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.

* flips hair, potato chip falls out *

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”

The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.

In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?

Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.

Me: [whispers] type-o.

It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.