I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
![]()
You Might Also Like
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
![]()
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I would like even faster food.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
![]()
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Gas station lines at 2 am:
![]()
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.