i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
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no exceptions
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
🤣😈🤣
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”