i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
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The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong