i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
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Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets