Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby

Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later

[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies

The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.

what do you want to eat?

what are you in the mood for?

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

*Watching Friday the 13th VII*

GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?

Me: Yeah.

GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

me in a relationship:

Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.

Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?

Me: Obviously.

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy

My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”

Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.

Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

Good point.

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

them: I like that filter on you

me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks

*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.

A roomba that swears every time it hits something.

be safe out there!

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.