I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

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If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I’d have to pick:

My girlfriend.


Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*


Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no


amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*


100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.


Sex Tip: if a guy tells you you’re hot during sex, ask him to define his parameters for beauty because physical attraction is subjective


To be clear…putting your entire fist in your mouth should be a party trick saved for after Uncle Barry leaves


host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well



host: killer job sammy boy


By all means, have your opinion. It’s how we tell just how dumb you are.


This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.