@Northerngent4

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

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@Shock_Monster

If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I’d have to pick:

My girlfriend.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*

@thedadvocate01

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

@lincnotfound

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

@Brianhopecomedy

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

@bourgeoisalien

Sex Tip: if a guy tells you you’re hot during sex, ask him to define his parameters for beauty because physical attraction is subjective

@Pirate_nurse

To be clear…putting your entire fist in your mouth should be a party trick saved for after Uncle Barry leaves

@Skoog

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

@tsm560

By all means, have your opinion. It’s how we tell just how dumb you are.

@Ristolable

This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.