Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.

[wedding day]

fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer

me: but he’s my best friend

[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.

Windchimes

I feel like people just come to the airport to cough

Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.