Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

Those are NOT normal gifts

-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

[running into my ex]

Ex: omg it’s you

Me: yeah

Ex: we should exchange numbers

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Ex: you backed into my car though

Me: look we’ve both moved on

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am

I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

What happened to the other hiker??!

Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?

(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.