I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
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your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
i now pronounce you bounced.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
*jingles half the way*
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.