I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
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Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I need to update my racial profile.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
I’m that battle for like 3 different people.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.