I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
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Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
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Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
Godspeed, John Glenn
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[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
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My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
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When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?