I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
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Phonetics
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
[Wine tasting]
Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?
— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶