I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
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Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best