Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.

A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying

Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….

Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊

Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped

Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.

me: sacked? why?

boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name

me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]

Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.

Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!

Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.