I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
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Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?