I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
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if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what