I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
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[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
put ‘er there pardner!
it be like that
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect