I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
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I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
oh u like geography? name every lake
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born