I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
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I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
I’ve had worse
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
