I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
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im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Lmao
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.