Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror

God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too

What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?

If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

Dude 1: “Hey bro?”

Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”

Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: “Brochure”

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

[First day as a beaver]

Me: Dam.

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious

Amen

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it

me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.