Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*

“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”

“I meant questions about your root canal.”

“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”

Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken

*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

What does a robot do during a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-

-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

“Trust your gut”

the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure