Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
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i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?