Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
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I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into