Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

Store policy: You break it you buy it.

Cat policy: you by it you break it.

Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.

Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.

Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.

Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

grocery bagger: paper or plastic?

me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.

pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*

It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt

Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

As the Lord intended

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.

it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel

officer: fair enough

Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.

I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.