I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
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I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…