Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do NOT do this 🙄🙄

ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.

Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.

“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes

Mom: let’s not talk like that

Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes

I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.

There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.

I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.

*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.

My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?

Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?

Her: Sure, I’d love to

Me: Wtf is wrong with you

I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

[First Date]

*staring up at the stars

Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”

Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”

*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?