I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
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Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Lmao
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
The struggle is real
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry