@man_spach

“I’m sorry I could never do that for you,” said the cat sulking away after catching me on the internet looking at pics of cats in space.

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@generaldietz

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?

@GabbbarSingh

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

@Cpin42

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

@Donna_McCoy

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

@ArfMeasures

Me *buying alcohol*

Him: I need identification

Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey

Him: I meant you

Me: I’m Jon

@ShortSleeveSuit

My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”

@chuuew

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

@shutupmikeginn

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

@coolbudy1998

If I am taking too long to open the doors for you in summers, it means I am wearing clothes starting from my underwear!

@PoliUncorrect

I’m mad at myself for losing an argument while rehearsing it in my head, so don’t tell me how hard your life is