*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
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Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.