“I’m sorry I could never do that for you,” said the cat sulking away after catching me on the internet looking at pics of cats in space.

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Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?


The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.


Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”


Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.


Me *buying alcohol*

Him: I need identification

Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey

Him: I meant you

Me: I’m Jon


My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”


ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day


I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.


If I am taking too long to open the doors for you in summers, it means I am wearing clothes starting from my underwear!


I’m mad at myself for losing an argument while rehearsing it in my head, so don’t tell me how hard your life is