Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?

patient: yes, on my mother’s side

doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

Take caution while searching the annals of history.

The anals of history provide very different results.

I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.

Looking forward to all the photos of people putting Luigi on top of their Christmas tree

Huge, if true.

Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

become ungovernable

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

noooooo don’t hurt yourself

let me do it

anyone else like Italian cereal

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.

Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword

“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy

“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer

I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)

I need everyone to stop having the flu and bringing the flu to the ER and then infecting the non flu patients with the flu so they come back to the ER for the flu, etc etc