Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please

We do it every night.
Annoy each other.

Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.

Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.

~my new handbag

Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots

[spelling bee]

Your word: Spelunking

“U-N-K-I-N-G”

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.

Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?

ㅤ

I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.