I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
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If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
The new American dream is an alien invasion.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life