I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
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*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
With a text.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Liquor Store Parking
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces