Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

seems like a niche market

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.

Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.

COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

A telemarketer just called my cell phone.

I pretended to be a phone sex operator.

HE didn’t hang up.

…things got awkward.

*returns shopping cart*

“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”

You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.

Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.

Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road

I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?