I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
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Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Ha.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.