I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
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Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Going to church you guys need anything
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.