I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
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Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.
…No, YOU shut up.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I only eat vegetarians.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.