I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
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The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Child: Turkey pancakes?!
Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.
Wife: I told you the bird was too big
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
welp
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
I’m not lazy
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour