I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
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Church Pugh’s
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
i’m so sick of this guy
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk