I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
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Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Hot Hot Hot
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Why? Just why? 😂