Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.

Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.

Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰

Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive

My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion

Always remember…. A mirror never lies.

(Fatty)

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*

Cop: [knocks]

Dinosaur: can I help you?

Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire

[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale