Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.

If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.

Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.

Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me

Me: I let my guard down.

Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.

No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.

Intelligence is the new cleavage

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

mugger: your money or your life

me: oh you pick

*2 Knights on a Quest*

Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?

Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.

Elgon: Ha! They always say that!

Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?

Elgon:

Gawain: Elgon?

Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

Kids have so many food allergies these days.

In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.

Not helping

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday