Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

[Being murdered]

Me: You’re stabbing wrong

Murderer:

Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work

[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?

Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily

Me at 10.10 pm: dang it

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.

My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.

Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested

Reset password

‘SevenDays’

Your password is week

Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.