I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
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The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
how it started vs how it ended
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos