I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
You Might Also Like
Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized