I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
You Might Also Like
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments