“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
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For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…