“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
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Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
some of you aren’t reading the room. not even listening to the room on audiobook
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again