“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
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[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Well well well…
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping