Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.

*my dog starts barking when suddenly 20 other neighborhood dogs start barking back at him. i just laugh & point at him*
haha, you’re getting ratioed!

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

[walking out of bathroom]

me: oh boy, do NOT go in there

*guy walks in anyway*

*comes out screaming*

me: ya it’s like super haunted

My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

Me: are you or are you not my people?

My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

Boss: are you sticking to the schedule

Death: yeah of course

Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares

Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy

[job interview]

“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?