Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

I love you to the refrigerator and back

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.

Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.

*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless

my brains: buy stuff

me: no listen i need a purpose

brain: a purchase?

help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring

Mary: thats ok

Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too

Mary: 🙂

Jesus: *sleeping*

Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho

Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.