Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant

Bite me again

– my bottom lip

Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”

I said ” scissors” and drove off

*swipes right by accident*

Him: You’re not really my type.

Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.

Anyone really

Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.

I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

*Me making playground small talk with other parents*

“Congrats on the sex bro”

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this

My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now

[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.