I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
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Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
one week till the election
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times