Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What.

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

me: dogs have 4 legs

her:

me: so do tables

her: ok

me: so dogs are tables

her: no

me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired

People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]

Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.