I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
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I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon