I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
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What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
why I oughta
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I wanna be friends with this person
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.