Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me when I try to be useful

“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”

“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach

Squirrels: 1,538

My dogs: -17

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

Me: what will you trade me for my Soul

Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA

While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.

okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

Going into Monday like