@spacej_me

I’m sorry I got salsa on your baby and I’m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip

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@audipenny

Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them

@awkwardphilippe

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

@Super_Cynthia

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

@annaeveryday

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep

@PleaseBeGneiss

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

@MissMMathers

Me: “I gotta do things” …

Body: “you did things yesterday shut up”.

@dril

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars