self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
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All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Looking at you, Jesus.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.