I’m sorry I got salsa on your baby and I’m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip

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@funTweeters you guys are my favorite thing about Twitter. I suggest we get pant less and hug this out like men.


I told my dog 6,000 times, she could go out but I wasn’t going to sit outside with her…

Long story short, I’m sitting outside with her.


A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.


“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”

TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.


I just took a DNA test turns out I’m 100% a passive aggressive mom but if you called once in awhile you would know that.


Today I bought cupcakes without sprinkles.

Diets are hard.


“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”

“OK, Daddy.”


Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?


*sees Arnold Schwarzenegger working at Walmart*
“hey Arnold, kitchen appliances are toward the back of aisle B right?”


[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughterโ€™s piano recital