Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I’m sorry I got salsa on your baby and I’m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
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ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Me: “I gotta do things” …
Body: “you did things yesterday shut up”.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars