Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

Me high af: are you in line?

Mannequin:

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts

Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”

All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.

WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?

ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.

HER: Get out.

Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.

Band: Are you ready to rock?!

Me: I need to pee first.

A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.

You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.

Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.